CJD Appendix blog

A Modern Melodrama

Cast
Lucy (nice church lady)
Doris (grumpy church lady)
Victoria (elegant, sophisticated gold digging bride)
Madeline (Victoria’s reluctant daughter)
Cash (the doofus Groom)
Gabby (the hero and true love of Cash)
Bonnie (teen that thinks that this is just all too romantic)
Widow Hasteltoff (Cash’s aging rich mother and town benefactor)
Minister


(The scene opens on a small country chapel less than an hour before a wedding. It is a community that has a timeless homesteader farmer quality about it that seems to ring with summer picnics and ice cream socials. It’s quite an expectant scene that is shattered from offstage.)

Lucy: (from offstage) Found them! Doris? DORIS?

(Lucy comes on stage carrying an armload of decorations. She is a sweet older church woman that his here to help pull the wedding off. She couldn’t be more in her element. She is perpetually sunshine and daises.)

Lucy: Dooooooooris!

Doris: (from offstage) Whaaaaaaat?

Lucy: (still shouting) I found them. I knew they were somewhere around here. Doris come help me put these up. Oh, this is so exciting. It’s been so long since we’ve had a wedding.

(Doris comes on stage. She would like to be anywhere but here. Of course, she’s discontent with just about anything she’s doing. Although she and Lucy are constant companions, it’s anyone’s guess as to why. Doris couldn’t be more opposite than Lucy, always dark scribbles and storm clouds.)

Doris: (coming onstage) Oooooh my back. Next time you get to check the crawl space.

Lucy: Doris. Doris. Doris over here.

Doris: (sarcastic) Oh, good. I thought I’d never find you in this crowd.

Lucy: Oh, Doris. This is all just so beautiful. Just like I remembered it. Isn’t this exciting.

Doris: I’ve wet myself twice just this morning.

(Doris is about to take some of the decorations when Lucy drops her elbows into them and looks off dreamily.)

Lucy: Oh Doris, it’s been so long since we’ve had a proper wedding. It’s almost like a fairy tale.

Doris: Well, the groom certainly looks like a frog.

(Doris reaches under and pulls out a hand full of decorations.)

Lucy: Oh Doris. I mean the way Victoria blew in with the wind like from a dream.

Doris: Yeah, I’ve had dreams like that. I usually wake up screaming.

Lucy: It was unfortunate that her horse carriage turned over like that. Her poor daughter got her arm broke. But as luck would have it, our very own Cash Hasteltoff was there to rescue her. And even though she was trapped underneath she came away without a scratch. It was a miracle.

Doris: (unimpressed) Amazing. Are you going to help me with these?

Lucy: It’s a recipe for romance, I tell you. Not just 10 days later and here we are, preparing to join them till death do they part.

Doris: (in an awkward position) Lucy. Help. Need a little help here.

Lucy: (still caught up not hearing Doris’ plea) Some people have talked about how this all seems to be going a little fast but it’s happening just in time, if you ask me. Poor widow Hasteltoff isn’t looking so well. As soon as those two say the “I Do’s” she can finally pass her fortune to Cash just like it’s outlined in his father’s will and she can be done with all that dreadful cattle empire and live out her final days in peace.

(Doris crashes. This gets Lucy’s attention.)

Lucy: Oh Doris, we’ve only got a little bit of time before the wedding. Let’s not fool around.

Doris: What was I thinking?

Lucy: Oh, Never mind honey. You’re just nervous. I know I am. It’s just got me all a twitter.

Doris: That’s just me all over.

Lucy: I knew it. It’s been so long since we’ve had a wedding, what with the men folk always away on a cattle drive. (suddenly struck by a thought) Oh, my Gosh!

Doris: What?

Lucy: Oh MY GOSH!

Doris: (looking around): WHAT?!

Lucy: Oh My Gosh Oh My Gosh Oh My Gosh!

Doris: Woman, I swear. If you don’t tell me what you’re oh my goshin’ about. . .

Lucy: Cattle Drive.

Doris: Cattle Drive?

Lucy: Cattle Drive. Cattle Drive!

Doris: Ok, see, I got that part. . .

Lucy: I didn’t even think.

Doris: (pauses for a second, then shakes her head) No, that’s too easy.

Lucy: (almost in tears) Cattle Drive. Gabby. She’s out there with them. Oh, it’s so sad.

(she chokes back the tears)

Doris: You didn’t take you medication this morning did you?

Lucy: Oh Doris. Gabby. Sweet little Gabriel. Cash’s friend since child hood? They’ve grown up together. We always just kind of assumed that they would get married one day. I forgot all about her with the whirlwind of events over the last few days.

Doris: Seems like Cash did too.

Lucy: Oh, I know. She’s just going to be heart broken. I guess it’s a good thing that she’ll be gone for several weeks still. She’ll be gone till all this blows over and everything is over and done. Then when she comes back we’ll break the news to her gently. Over some nice lemonade on the porch. Maybe with some little cucumber sandwiches. You know, with the crusts cut off. Ooooh, her heart is going to break like a saucer from my good china with the berry vine pattern and the gold trim.

Doris: (Suddenly to Doris). Oh, my—remind me to serve her on the everyday dishes. I’d die if I lost a piece of my berry vine china with the gold trim.

Lucy: (Then back to her sympathizing) Oh, she’ll try to be strong, but we’ll be able to see the storm rising in her eyes.

(Still in her daydream she reaches out and embraces Doris, whose arms are till full of decorations)

Lucy: Then all we can do is hold her and let the rivers roll down her cheeks.

Doris: (uncomfortable in the embrace) Lucy. . .

Lucy: Stroke her hair and just let her get it all out.

Doris: (still in the hold) Lucy. . .

Lucy: That’s right. You just get it all out.

Doris: (breaking away) Lucy!

Lucy: (blinking out of her daydream) Well, at least she’s not here now. That’s a bit of a comfort for today.

(A little preteen girl comes bounding in just then, flustered with excitement)

Bonnie: She’s here! She’s here! Hey, everybody she’s here.

Lucy: Well Hi there Bonnie. How’s your mother’s myalgia, dear?

Bonnie: Hi Ms. Lucy. She’s doing ok. It’s playing up a bit today. Must be going to rain.

Lucy: Oh, I know. That’s what my knee has been telling me all morning.

Bonnie: That’s so cool how you do that. I don’t have anything like that. I got constipated once before a snow storm but I think that was just coincidence.

Doris: Sorry to interrupt the weather report, but were you trying to tell us something?

Bonnie: (calm) oh, yeah. (suddenly jumping back to her excited state and screaming) She’s here! She’s here! She’s here!

Lucy: Yes yes, we got that part.

Doris: Who’s here?

Bonnie: (calming down but still breathless) Gabby. She just rode back into town. She’s come back early because she just couldn’t stay away from Cash. She’s told me that she’s back in town aiming to get him to marry her.

(Lucy starts tearing up and runs out of the room with a weepy noise trying not to cry in front of everyone)

Bonnie: She ok?

Doris: She’s fine. Just a little worried about her dishes. So Gabby’s back in town, eh?

Bonnie: Yeah, she’ll be here any minute.

Doris: Hmmm, this complicates things a bit. And I’ve got a roast in the oven. I’m gonna need your help kiddo.

Bonnie: Sure Ms Doris. Anything.

Doris: Keep her away.

Bonnie: How?

Doris: I don’t care. You’ll think of something. Just keep her as far away from here as possible until we get this wedding taken care of. It’s unfortunate timing how this thing came down and all, but I’m not about to burn a $30.00 roast. Keep her away and then tell her to come over to Lucy and my place for some lemonade. Can you do that?

Bonnie: (a little confused and unsure) Um, ok.

Doris: Good girl. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get the twitter sister pulled back together so we can finish preparations.

(She hands the armful of decorations to Bonnie)

Bonnie: Well, um, ok. See ya.

(Bonnie stands there with all the decorations, not sure if she should put them down or not or how to proceed when Gabby walks in slapping dust off her leather jacket, boots clomping and pushing back her cowboy hat)

Bonnie: (startled) Gabby!

Gabby: Hey there Bonnie. How’s you momma’s myalgia?

Bonnie: Um, playing up a bit.

Gabby: Oh, well, I’m glad I got back before the rain then. What are you up to there?

(Bonnie looks down at the armful of decorations and then in a panic, she improvises by throwing them up into the air)

Bonnie: Uh, SURPRISE!

Gabby: A surprise party? My birthday’s isn’t until August.

Bonnie: Oh, yeah. Silly me.

Gabby: What’s going on here? I couldn’t find anyone all through town and when I come down here to the church it looks like we’re about to have a wedding.

Bonnie: Oh, no. No no no. Not a wedding.

Gabby: It’s not?

Bonnie: Oh no. It’s, um, . . .a funeral. Yeah.

Gabby: A funeral? Awful festive colors for a funeral. Who died?

Bonnie: Um, . . .my hampster.

Gabby: Awww, Panda died?

Bonnie: Yeah, that’s right. Dead. Died. Dead as a doornail.

Gabby: And all this is for a hamster?

Bonnie: Yeah, Ms. Grandma knew how much I he meant to me.

Gabby: That rich lady sure is a generous one.

Bonnie: Yeah, so um, do you want to view the body.

Gabby: View the hamster’s body?

Bonnie: Please Gabby. It would mean an awful lot to me.

Gabby: Well, I was kinda hoping to see Cash. I’d like to have a real heart to heart talk with him.

(In desperation Bonnie starts to fake a cry.)

Gabby: Oh sweety, sweety. There there. Don’t cry. It’s gonna be ok. I’ll come take a look, if’d mean that much to ya.

Bonnie: (through her fake tears) You will?

Gabby: Well, um sure. I guess so. Yeah.

(Bonnie snaps out of her emotional state and begins pushing Gabby toward the door)

Bonnie: Oh, thank you, thank you, Gabby. You don’t know how much this means to me. We’re having the wake at my house. You go ahead and I’ll meet you there. I just have to, um, go to the bathroom first.

Gabby: Ok, you poor thing. I’ll meet you there.

(Bonnie gives her a final push out the door just as Victoria and her daughter come into the chapel. Victoria is dressed in a 30’s tea length dress and long gloves and she carries a bag of peanuts. She’s all in white but she looks more like she should be at a cocktail party than a wedding, especially as the Bride. Victoria surveys the room as if it were her newly granted kingdom. Her daughter, Madeline, follows unhappily in her shadow, arm in a sling.)

Victoria: (seeing Bonnie) Oh, well hello there young girl person. How’s your, um, mother is it?

Bonnie: (rushing out) Sorry, I can’t talk. I’ve got to go kill my hamster.

(Victoria just watches her go, a little dumbfounded)

Victoria: These country folk are such strange people. Take note sweetheart, that’s what happens when you live so far from civilization for so long. (Looking around) Now, where was I. Ah, yes. My wedding. Nothing quite like being a bride on her wedding day.

Madeline: (sour) You should know. You’ve been one enough times.

Victoria: Now, dear. Don’t be like that. This is the happiest day of my life. Again.

(She chuckles at her joke. Madeline doesn’t share her amusement.)

Victoria: Aww sweet heart, I know you don’t like it here anymore than I do. But sweety, we’ll finish here and then find our next job in the city. Here have a peanut.

Madeline: No mom. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m not going to help you pull these jobs anymore.

Victoria: Don’t be silly.

Madeline: No, Mom, I’m serious. That wagon stunt nearly killed me.

Victoria: Yes, . . .but it didn’t. You’re fine.

Madeline: Tell that to my arm.

Victoria: Come now. You’re not still sore about that are you?

Madeline: Why couldn’t you have been the one to crash the wagon and I could have come out from the bushes and slipped under it.

Victoria: My goodness, do you see how old he is. He’s far too old for you. I wouldn’t do that do you, darling.

Madeline: But you’d let me crash a horse drawn wagon into a cactus bed. Thanks. Why’d we have to do a wagon, anyway? Why couldn’t we have just driven?

Victoria: Well, I couldn’t very well have convinced them I was Amish if I had blazed into town in a Chrysler? Let’s stop this. How do I look.

Madeline: About as Amish as a microwave.

Victoria: I need for them to feel like I was exotic but simple like them, so they would accept me as one of their own. I convinced them.

(Madeline just sulks)

Victoria: Ok, if you’re not going to be helpful.

Madeline: Mom, let’s just leave. No one is looking. We could just hitch a ride on the highway and be into the next town before the lunk even knows he’s been left at the alter.

Victoria: Madeline, you know that this is the luckiest break we’ve had yet. It’s not easy to find idiots with tons of cash. I can’t just walk away from that.

Madeline: So how long are we going to be here then. He’s so much younger than all the other one’s.

Victoria: Not long. Not long at all. As I said, It’s hard to find an idiot with tons of cash. It’s even harder to find one with a catastrophic peanut allergy.

Madeline: What are you talking about?

Victoria: It’s quite simple. It was like a gift from heaven that my last late husband just happened to be Cash’s doctor. He said he’d never seen such a severe allergic reaction to even the mildest contact with peanut residue. Poor Cash, nearly killed him last time.

(She pops a peanut)

Madeline: You don’t mean. . .

Victoria: Oh but I do.

Madeline: But you’ve never. . .killed anyone before. That’s never been part of the plan. They always just died after a couple of years.

Victora: Yes, but I’m getting a little pressed for time. My feminine beauty won’t last forever, and there’s an island villa with my name on it that I’d like to enjoy while I can still turn the pool boys head.

Madeline: Oh my gosh.

Victoria: Madeline. It couldn’t be more simple. They pronounce us man and wife, we kiss, he reacts to the peanut oil on my lips, he dies, we morn, we leave.

Madeline: That’s horrible.

Victoria: Oh, Madeline grow up. He’ll get a little puffy, that’s all. It’s not like we’re blowing anyone’s brain out.

Madeline: I can’t do this. I will not be a part of this. Why do we have to live like this? Why can’t we just be normal and have jobs.

Victoria: (angry and villainous) Why? Why can’t we be normal? Because normal is weak. Normal is what got me a job as a secretary for the man who was to be your father in the first place. A secretary for an old man who, despite his age, was able to win my heart. A rich old man who married me and had a baby with me. A man who died and instead of leaving me the money we could have lived off, all we inherited was the information that he had another family before us. And we got nothing. So instead of just starving, I decided that I would take what was owed to me. Owed to us! The world owes us this and we are going to take it.

Madeline: I know all that. You’ve told me all that before. Over and over and over. But up till now we were just waiting for the old men to die. This is, . . .(whispers) murder! Mom, you are not a murderer.

Victoria: Not another word. Do not talk to me like that. This isn’t murder. It’s plan acceleration.

(Cash appears in the room, looking around for something. He finds it.)

Cash: (a little too loud and nervous around his bride) Oh, there you are.

(Victoria and Madeline are startled. Victoria hastily hands Madeline the bag of peanuts. Madeline hides the bag under all the decorations on the floor.)

Victoria: (all sweetness) Oh Cash. My goodness. You gave me such a start. You shouldn’t be in here yet. Don’t you know it’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding.

Cash: (simple and naive) Don’t see the bride before the wedding? But honey love, I’ve seen you all this past week.

Victoria: Oh, you silly boy.

Cash: I just had to see you. I haven’t yet seen you all day today and I was just dieing inside.

Victoria: Oh, Cash. You are such a silly boy.

Cash: I’ve been looking all over. I thought maybe we could practice the kissing part before the ceremony. You know, just so we don’t mess it up in front of all these people. You know what they say, practice makes perfect.

(She keeps him at arms length with her umbrella, and giggles nervously trying to improvise a way out of the room with him.)

Victoria: Oh, now you know my feeling on that. Do you want to shatter my dreams. I’ve always pictured my first kiss would be on my wedding day.

Cash: But it is your wedding day!

Victoria: Oh, my oh my oh my oh my. Cash, darling, you’ve just got me all flustered you. . .you. . .

Madeline: Silly boy?

Victoria: (under her breath) Madeline!

Madeline: Sorry.

(Cash goes down and sits a little ways away)

Cash: Oh, dog-gone it. I’m so sorry Ms Vickie. It’s just that ever since you came into our town with your simple ways and simple charm, I just can’t keep my head from getting all confused.

Victoria: (visibly irritated by this nickname) It’s Victoria. Dear.

Cash: Oh, now see. There I go again. I’m sorry Ms Vickie. . .oh, um Victoria. I’m just a love sick puppy. Every thing has happened so fast. I just want everything to be perfect.

Victoria: (devious) Oh, dear Cash, everything is going just according to plan.

(he leans into Victoria romantically. She keeps the parasol between them)

Cash: Oh, it’s going to be so wonderful . . .

(Cash lets out a huge sneeze)

Cash: Since the moment I pulled you from the wreckage and looked into your swollen eyes I haven’t been able to think of anything else.

(He sneezes again)

Victoria: Oh, my. Bless you.

Cash: (sniffling and a little stuffy) Thanks. This is like a dream come true. I’m the happiest man ever. When I inherit my late daddy’s fortune after we get married, I’ll be able to take care of you for the rest of my life.

Victoria: (joining in his enthusiasm, secretly triumphant) And beyond.

(Cash begins sneezing uncontrollably)

Victoria: Oh, my goodness. Are you alright.

(Cash finishes sneezing which has taken him away from Victoria. He blows his nose in his hanky).

Cash: That is so strange. I haven’t sneezed like that since my momma made peanuts illegal in this county. I’ve got a terrible peanut allergy.

Victoria: You don’t say.

Madeline: Illegal?

Cash: (to Madeline) Hey little lady. I didn’t see you there. My humblest apologies. And don’t you feel embarrassed. You can start calling me dad anytime you feel ready.

Madeline: Right. Whatever. What were you saying about the peanut part?

Cash: Oh, that. Well, since I’m so deathly allergic to those darn things, my Ma had the county government pass a law making peanut possession a capital offense.

(Madeline lets out a little eep)

Cash: That’s why I was saying. Since everyone in this sparse little county knows me, no one kicked up any fuss about it. In fact, they all chipped in to make sure that no peanut get within miles of me. They’re all sweet that way.

Madeline: So anyone even caught with peanuts would be sent to jail.

Cash: Only the lucky ones. This town’s so protective, they’d probably get lynched first.

(Madeline lets out another eep just as Cash fires off another sneeze)

(Lucy bursts back into the room and spots the decorations)

Lucy: Oh, my goodness. Here they are. (calling offstage to Doris) Doris, here they are.

Doris: (offstage) Oh goodie.

(Lucy gathers up he decorations that hide the peanuts, bringing the bag of nuts with her unknowingly)

Lucy: Oh, look at you too love birds. But Cash, what are you doing. You shouldn’t see the bride before the wedding.

Cash: I know Ms Lucy. Victoria was just telling me all about that.

(Doris comes in the room)

Doris: Oh look. The happy couple. And me without my pepto.

Lucy: I was just telling them that it’s bad luck for the bride and groom to be together before the service.

Doris: For me it was bad luck being at the service.

Lucy: Well, I’ve found the decorations so we can get the basement all dressed up for the reception. We’ve got to move quickly. Time’s getting short. Cash, come down and give us a hand.

Cash: (jumping up) Certainly, Ms Lucy. (quickly to Victoria) You sure you wouldn’t be all right with just a little smoochy-smoochy?

Doris: Cash. Come on. Times a wastin!

Cash: Right, right. Coming Ms Doris.

(Cash exits with one longing look back)

Victoria: (after they’ve gone) Whew. That was close. I can’t give him the kiss of doom until after we do the I do’s. There’s no money in it before then. Can’t have him expiring before the check clears.

(She laughs deviously at her little joke. Madeline is mortified.)

Victoria: All right now, I’ve got to keep a steady flow of peanuts going to be sure I’m toxic enough. I’ll take my little bag at the end of the rainbow to a nice quiet place until the service starts.

(Madeline is looking around and can’t fine the bag.)

Victoria: Madeline, where is the bag.

Madeline: I don’t know, it was right here.

Victoria: Madeline, I need that bag. What did you do with it?

Madeline: Don’t yell at me. It was just here a minute ago. When Cash came in I hid it under the. . .

Both: (dawning on them) Decorations!

Victoria: Quick. We’ve got to get to them before they find them. If doofus touches them, it’ll ruin every thing.

(Victoria grabs a reluctant Madeline by her good wrist and drags her out of the room, just as Gabby burst in on the other side)

Gabby: (coming onstage) Bonnie, if you don’t get out my way, I swear!

Bonnie: But Gabby, I hadn’t finished the eulogy yet.

Gabby: Bonnie, stop it. Just stop it. This just isn’t adding up. This ain’t no funeral. I know a funeral when I sees one and this ain’t one. And that wasn’t no hamster body. I know a hamster when I sees one and it don’t look nothing like that fuzzy stuffed sock you done showed me. Now somebody better tell me what in tarnation is going on here!

(Just then Cash comes back in. He’s surprised but happy to see Gabby.)

Cash: Gabby!

Gabby: I’m so glad to see you. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.

Bonnie: Oh, no.

Cash: I’m glad to see you too.

Gabby: What is all this?

Cash: Well, as a matter of fact, we got the place all done up for a wedding.

Gabby: Really?

Cash: Yeah. And I’m so glad you’re here. You kinda surprised me coming back earlier than I reconned, but I guess it’ll work out ok. All this just wouldn’t be complete without you.

Gabby: It wouldn’t.

Cash: No siree.

Gabby: Who’s getting married.

Cash: Well, see. That’s what I was needing to talk to you about. I have something I need to ask you.

(Gabby has been going all doe eyed with this talk and now she’s breathless as she waits for the questions she’s sure he’ll ask)

Gabby: You do.

Cash: Sure do. Gabby. . .

Gabby: (expectant) Yes Cash.

Cash: I was wonderin. . .

Gabby: Yes. . .

Cash: Would you be my best man?

Gabby: Oh, Cash, I. . .what?

Cash: My best man. I’m getting married, Gabby. This is my wedding.

Gabby: Married?

Cash: Yeah. Isn’t that just crazy? And I figure you’ve been my best friend since forever, so who better to be my best man.

Gabby: Married?

Cash: Yeah. Isn’t that just crazy? I’m just glad you got back in time.

Gabby: To someone else?

Cash: Oh, Gabby. You’re gonna love Victoria.

Gabby: Victoria? Who’s that?

Cash: Oh, she’s just the sweetest. You’re gonna love her. (holds his arms out wide like for a hug) So, what do ya say?

(Gabby begins to cry in a long howl. She goes down to sit on a pew. Cash sniffs his underarms, confused, to see if he’s offended that way)

Bonnie: Ms Lucy! We got a problem!

(Bonnie Exits)

Cash: Gabby? What’s the matter? (thinking he knows) Oh, come on Gabby. We don’t have to call it best MAN. We could call it best woman if ya like. Or best person.

Gabby: Cashious Wilbur Hastletoff. How could you!

Cash: What? What? How could I what?

Gabby: You didn’t even bother to ask me why I was back early from the cattle drive.

Cash: (still confused) Ok, why are you back early from the cattle. . .

Gabby: I’m not going to tell you.

Cash: Oh, now Gabby. Don’t be that way.

Gabby: Don’t you tell me what way to be. How could you just up and get married? Who is this Victoria?

Cash: Oh, Gabby. She’s the sweetest. She was just passing through and crashed and I saved her. I just know you’re gonna love her.

Gabby: I’m not going to love her. Some out of town hussy just swings in here and all the sudden you go and marry her.

Cash: Now Gabby. Don’t talk bad about Vickie. Ooop, Dang. She doesn’t like it when I call her Vickie. She prefers Victoria. Victooooooria.

Gabby: Who cares, Cash.

Cash: Well, Victoria does, quite a bit it seems.

Gabby: Stop saying that name!

Cash: What name? Victoria?

Gabby:AAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Cash: So I guess that means you don’t want to be a part of my wedding then?

Gabby: I DO. I DO want to be a part of you wedding.

Cash: Oh, ok. Good! Very good. So, should we call it Best Woman, or Best Person?

Gabby: Not as your stupid Best Person.

Cash: Best Woman?

Gabby: No.

Cash: You want to go with Best Man. I never thought of you as that traditional.

Gabby: No Cash!

(Cash thinks for a sec)

Cash: Ok, now I’m just a little confused.

Gabby: Cash, that woman stole my man!

Cash: Your man? But how could she steal your man? She’s getting married to me.

Gabby: Yes.

Cash: (dawning) Me?

Gabby: Yes.

Cash: Oh, Me. Me? I’m your man? Since when?

Gabby: Since always, Cash. You’ve always made my day better just by being in it. Since we were little kids. From Mud pies to Cow pies, I’ve always thought of you.

Cash: That’s so sweet.

Gabby: That’s why I came back early. I wanted to ask you to marry me.

Cash: You can’t ask me to marry you. You’re the girl.

Gabby: I got tired of waiting for you.

(This touches Cash deeply. He gets down on one knee beside Gabby)

Cash: Gabby, I’d be honored to be your wife.

Gabby: But you can’t now, Cash. You’re getting married to that other woman today.

Cash: Oh, yeah. Forgot about that for a second.

Gabby: Yeah.

Cash: Well, dag nab it. Now I’m all confused. I thought this was going to be simple. Now I’ve got things all bunched up inside my head. I can’t very well break off the marriage to Vict. . .um, you know. But I don’t want you to be sad either. (thinking for a second) Gabby, what are your feelings on polygamy?

Gabby: (offended) What?!

Cash: Ok, never mind.

(They both stand for an awkward moment not knowing what to say. Then they speak at the same time.)

Cash: Well, I guess I’d better go then. . . Gabby: You probably should be getting back.

Cash: Yeah.

Gabby: Yeah.

(Cash slinks off while at the same time Madeline is coming on from the other side. Gabby sulks and Madeline is fuming. Then they speak together.)

Madeline & Gabby: (both angry) This wedding should not be happening.

Gabby: Oh MY.

Madeline: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you sitting there. Are you crying? Here I have some tissue.

(Madeline hands Gabby some tissue who takes it, but stiffens a little at the offer, not wanting to be seen being emotional.)

Gabby: (as she wipes her face) No, I wasn’t crying. (softening just a little) Thanks.

Madeline: Um, are you from around here? I don’t think I’ve met you yet. I’m new here.

Gabby: Oh, I’ve just come back into town just today. Name’s Gabby. Friend of the Groom.

(She offer’s Madeline a handshake, which is taken. They shake enthusiastically).

Madeline: Very nice to meet you Gabby. My name is Madeline, daughter of the Bride.

(On this revelation, Gabby takes her hand back suddenly, mid shake)

Madeline: Um, I couldn’t help but overhear. Were you not wanting this wedding to take place?

Gabby: I’m sorry. I was just talking out of turn. It was rude of me.

Madeline: No, no. I agree. I don’t think this is right either. You’re perfectly right to say so.

Gabby: You don’t? Why not?

Madeline: My mother doesn’t really love him. She has to be stopped before she hurts someone.

Gabby: Oh, that’s terrible. Cash has such a sensitive little heart, you know.

Madeline: You like him, don’t you.

Gabby: Well. . . .

Madeline: You do, don’t you.

Gabby: I do. An awful awful lot.

Madeline: Well then, you can’t let this go on. It’s just not right.

Gabby: But that wouldn’t be proper. You can’t just barge in and stop some ones wedding.

Madeline: Sure you can.

Gabby: You can.?

Madeline: People do it all the time.

Gabby: They do?

Madeline: Sure they do.

Gabby: Really?

Madeline: Yeah. Isn’t he the love of your life?

Gabby: Yes.

Madeline: And my mother doesn’t really love him.

Gabby: That’s what you said.

Madeline: So doesn’t that make it the right thing to do?

Gabby: Well, yeah. I guess so.

Madeline: So how would you go about convincing my mom to give up this thought of marriage?

Gabby: I dunno. I suppose I could punch her in the nose.

Madeline: No, Gabby. Don’t punch her. She is my mother after all.

Gabby: Oh, sorry.

Madeline: But I think maybe if you just talk to her. Convince her that she wouldn’t be happy. Convince her that her destiny lays elsewhere. That this is your man and you should be the one at the alter with him. That she should just give up this whole crazy idea.

Gabby: You think that would really work?

Madeline: No, not really.

Gabby: Oh.

Madeline: But we’ve got to try something.

Gabby: Oh, it’s no use. You seem like a very nice young lady and I appreciate all you’re trying to do, but it’s just no use.

Madeline: (getting firm) No!

Gabby: (slightly taken aback) I beg your pardon.

Madeline: No. You are not going to just sit there and take this.

Gabby: I’m not.

Madeline: No, you are not. More is at stake here than you realize. If you really love that man you are going to stand up for yourself. Do you hear me?

Gabby: Well, yes, you’re kinda shouting at me.

Madeline: Then stand. Stand when I say stand.

(Gabby stands up)

Gabby: All right, already. I’m standing, I’m standing.

Madeline: Now march right in there and let him have it. Tell that man of yours that he knows what’s right and he needs to follow his heart.

Gabby: Right.

(As she’s walking out Victoria walks back into the chapel area and they meet face to face. Lucy and Doris follow Victoria with Bonnie)

Victoria: Madeline. Thanks for abandoning me. I did manage to find my package without you.

(Gabby stops Victoria in her tracks and looks at her)

Gabby: (to Madeline) Is this her?

Victoria: Madeline who is this person?

Madeline: Hi mom.

(Everyone holds their breath and waits for a tense moment to see what is going to happen here. Then Gabby rears back like she’s going to hit her. Madeline grabs her arm and swings from it to keep it from flying forward. Lucy and Doris put themselves between Gabby and Victoria. Lucy and Doris grab Gabby while Cash takes Victoria and sets her down, fanning her. There is much improvised dialog during this. As everyone gets settled down, Gabby lets herself be set quietly).

Madeline: (to Gabby) No no. I said no hitting. No hitting remember.

Lucy: Gabby. It’s so nice to see you back in town. We just need to settle ourselves down a little, that’s all.

Doris: Let her up. This is the most excitement we’ve had all day. I’ve got five bucks that say’s Gabby can take her. Who’s with me.

Gabby: Cash. Don’t. Don’t do this.

Victoria: What is wrong with that crazy person.

Cash: (to Madeline) Oh, that’s just Gabby. I guess she’s like my girlfriend, or something.

(Cash sneezes and scratches a little)

Victoria: Your girlfriend? That’s a girl?

Cash: Oh, yeah. Surely. Her hair’s a little short, that’s all.

Victoria: Well, that will need to stop if we’re to be married.

Gabby: No, you can’t marry her. I love you. I’m the one who loves you, Cash.

Victoria: My, my. Now she’s babbling.

(The peanuts are missing again and she starts looking around for them)

Gabby: Ask her. Ask her if she loves you. Go on. Ask her.

(Cash just looks at her and sneezes)

Victoria: Gahoozintight. Can we please stop all this? We have a wedding to tend to.

Gabby: Just ask her.

Cash: Gabby, why are you doing this?

Gabby: Ask her.

Cash: (with a dim witted shrug) Ok. If it’ll make you happy, Gabby.

(He sneezes on everyone there around Gabby)

Cash: Sorry everybody.

(He stands and turns around to Victoria)

Cash: Um, Victoria. . .

Victoria: Cash, darling. Shouldn’t we be getting down to business.

Cash: Um, yeah, I suppose, but Gabby here. . .

Victoria: That’s what I thought.

Cash: Yeah, Ok, but, um, Gabby here wanted me to ask you. . .

Victoria: Cash.

Cash: Yes’am?

Victoria: Cash.

Cash: Yes’am.

Victoria: Enough.

Cash: Ok, right. Just one einsy little thing first, though. . .

Victoria: Cash!

(Cash sneezes right on her, then starts to wipe her off, horrified at spraying her)

Gabby: She, she won’t even let you ask.

(Victoria spies that the bag of peanuts wound up with Gabby after the scuffle.)

Victoria: Oh, my. Didn’t you say that peanuts were illegal in this county.

Cash: Yes! Oh, my goodness yes. Even the slightest contact with those things and I’m a gonner.

Victoria: Well, it would appear that in the things of love, Ms Gabby here is a bit of a sore loser.

Cash: She is?

Gabby: What are you talking about?

(Victoria slowly reaches down and pulls out the snagged bag of peanuts. Every one slowly watches in amazement.)

Madeline: Mother, don’t do this.

Victoria: It would seem that she has decided if she can’t have you, no one can.

(Victoria dumps out the bag of peanuts on the floor. Cash screams like a girl and jumps up on a pew)

Lucy: Gabby, how could you?

Gabby: No, those aren’t mine.

Victoria: They were in you possession.

Gabby: No. Cash, believe me. I would never do anything to hurt you.

(Cash is sneezing and scratching from on top of the pew)

Doris: Cash. Get yourself out of here before you turn to hives top to bottom. I’ll go get the trash bin and some bleach water to clean this up.

(Cash exits with Doris)

Lucy: Gabby. This is serious. We’re gonna have to take you down to talk to the Sheriff.

Gabby: Ms. Lucy. You have to believe me. Those weren’t mine.

Lucy: Sweety, I want to believe you, but, well. They were on your person. You’re just going to have to explain it to the Sheriff, hon.

Madeline: Mom. Don’t do this.

(Victoria turns Madeline’s arm a bit and she cries out in pain.)

Victoria: Oh, my darling. Is your arm playing up on you a bit? You’d better sit down right here and relax. (to the other two) Well, off you go then. You need to get her down to the Sheriff so you have time to get back before the service starts.

(Gabby and Lucy look at each other and then Gabby bolts. Lucy just stands there and watches her run off. Victoria looks quizzically at Lucy.)

Lucy: Well, I’m not going to run after her. I’m in heels.

(Lucy turns and walks off in the opposite direction. Victoria turns her ire to her daughter now that they are alone.)

Victoria: What on earth were you doing?

Madeline: This is getting out of control, mother. You’re tearing this little community apart. These are nice people. This isn’t just about fleecing an old dieing man anymore. It’s just going too far.

(Madeline starts digging in her purse)

Victoria: We’re in this together you know. If I go down, you’ll be lost. I could have gone to jail right there. Where would you be then. You’re lucky you’ve got such a smart mommy. (she’s found what she’s looking for) Oh, good. Here it is. Backup.

(She takes a little jar of Skippy from her purse and a spoon.)

Victoria: The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree it would seem. You were a smart little girl not to say more than you did.

Madeline: Even if you are able to make your move, they’ll know. Because they know you know.

Victoria: Who?

Madeline: Everyone. They saw you expose Gabby. They’ll smell the peanuts on you. They’ll know you were the one, and since you can’t say you didn’t know, it’ll expose you.

(Victoria pulls an aspirator out of her purse and hands it to Madeline)

Victoria: Read.

Madeline: (reading from the label) Breath Everfresh. One spray eliminates common breath odors caused by garlic, onions, buttermilk, cheeses, PEANUTS, and soy foods.

(Victoria snatches back the bottle)

Victoria: I’m NOT and Idiot.

(Doris comes back on stage in a ventilator, rubber boots and gloves with a bucket of water, and dustpan and trash can. She starts cleaning up the peanuts. Victoria quickly hides the peanut butter.)

Victoria: (changing the subject and a little too loud) Ok. There there. Are you feeling better then.

Madeline: Yes yes. I get it. Fine. I’m much better now.

Victoria: Good. I hope so.

Madeline: (whispering to Victoria) You won’t get away with this. I worried Mom. It

(The preacher comes in)

Doris: Good morning, Sheriff.

(Victoria and Madeline look at each other in a panic)

Victoria and Madeline: Sheriff!?

Preacher: Morning.

Madeline: See!

Victoria: Shhhh. My My My, that was quick. The outlaw went that way.

Preacher: Outlaw?

Doris: Nah, he don’t know nothing about all that. He’s the town preacher too. Here’s here to conduct your ceremony.

Victoria: Oh, I see.

Preacher: Hello there. Sheriff Johnston, pleased to make your acquaintance. What’s all this about an outlaw?

Doris: Seems Gabby found herself in possession of some contraband.

Preacher: Peanuts?

Victoria: That’s right. After trying unsuccessfully to scuttle our little ceremony, it looks like she tried to do ill to my groom.

Preacher: Gabby? Little Gabby?

Victoria: That very one.

Preacher: Seriously?

Doris: I’m afraid it’s true.

Preacher. Well, that don’t seem quite right. She hasn’t so much as told a fib all her life.

Victoria: Sad isn’t it, what love can do to a woman. But I’m sure you know all about that don’t you, Sheriff?

Preacher: Hmm, nope. Can’t say as I do. This you daughter here?

(Madeline gets up and runs out)

Victoria: (who hasn’t seen her leave) Ah, yes. We haven’t been properly introduced. I’m Victoria and this is my daughter. . . (she turns and finds no one) Madeline? Madeline?

(She turns back to the preacher trying to cover)

Victoria: She’s shy, poor thing.

(Cash sneaks back in from the side, peeking around the corner)

Cash: Is it safe yet?

Doris: Almost Cash. Just finishing up.

(Cash carefully enters)

Cash: Wow, that was a close one. Hey there Sheriff.

Preacher: Hello fine sir. Are we about ready to do this?

Cash: (looking at his watch) Yeah, my momma should be here any minute.

(The preacher nods and goes to the podium.)

Victoria: (going to him) Oh, Cash, dear. I’m so glad you’re ok.

Cash: Yeah, I’m fine. I just can’t believe that Gabby would want to do such a thing.

Victoria: No don’t you think about it another second. We’ll get this ceremony under way and put this all behind us.

Cash: Awwww. You are so good for me.

Victoria: (with sinister undertone) No, dear. It’s you who are good for me. Let me go get Madeline and we’ll be underway.

(She leaves and Cash watches her go. Doris comes up from behind him to talk to him and startles him when she begins. He sees that she’s still got the cleaning stuff and he backs up and covers his mouth with a hanky.)

Doris: You know, I just don’t get it. This all just isn’t adding up. Are you sure what you’re doing here Cash?

Cash: Ms. Doris. Is that all safe?

Doris: Just watch yourself, that’s all I’m saying.

(Doris exits. Bonnie enters)

Bonnie: Is it time? Is it time?

Preacher: Cash? What do ya say?

Cash: (still puzzling over Doris’ warning) Um, yeah.

Bonnie: I’ll get the everyone. (she runs offstage) Guys! It’s time! It’s time for the wedding!

(everyone enters, excited about the service starting)

Lucy: But wait. Oh my stars. We never lined up the organist.

Cash: Where’s my mom. Is my mom here yet?

(Victoria enters last with Madeline following after. She enters like celebrity, conscious of all eyes on her)

Victoria: All right. Let the music begin.

(Lucy come running up to deliver the bad news)

Lucy: Victoria. Victoria. I’m so sorry. We don’t have an organist. We never lined one up. Maybe if we just put this off one more day. . .

Victoria: One more day! Not one more second. I am here to be married and so it will be. I’m sure you’ll think of something.

Lucy: But Ms. Victoria. . .

Doris: (discovering something behind the pulpit) Hey, here’s the instruments from the Variety night we had last Tuesday.

Victoria: Perfect. Off you go.

Lucy: Yes, but Ms. Victoria.

Victoria: Off. Off. Go. Go.

Lucy: Yes, Ms. Victoria.

(Lucy goes upstage to the pulpit with Doris. Victoria turns to Madeline so no one else can over hear her. She lifts her veil.)

Victoria: Ok, Madeline. Give me one last spoonful.

Madeline: No, mom. I’m sure you are quite deadly.

Victoria: Madeline. Don’t argue with me. Why must everyone be so difficult?

Madeline: Mom. . .

Victoria: (hissing) Do as I say!

(with that Madeline scoops out a huge spoonful of peanut butter and shoves it in Victoria’s mouth. She gags a moment, trying to deal with this mouthful. Then Lucy and Doris start the processional, on kazoos.)

Madeline: Go mom. Go. You’re on.

(Victoria tries to speak but can’t)

Victoria: Ba bwaa baa bababa. . .

(Madeline turns her and give her a gentle push down the isle. The two ladies continue to hum through their kazoos. When she reaches the alter the Preacher looks over and Doris stops. Lucy keeps on, lost in her enthusiasm. Doris gives her a nudge. )

Preacher: Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today. . .

Cash: Wait a minute, where’s my momma?

Preacher: Excuse me?

Cash: My momma. She’s not here yet. We have to wait.

(Victoria makes an agitated squeak)

Preacher: What did she say?

(Victoria can’t open her mouth but she tries to communicate with grunts and whines. Cash leans in an tries to listen more closely.)

Cash: I think she said. . .I think she said. . .

(He’s struggling with a sneeze. )

Preacher: Yes.

Cash: I think she said. . .aaa-chooo!

(Madeline stands up to help)

Madeline: I think she said that it’s ok, she wouldn’t mind waiting.

(Victoria turns an angry stare to her daughter)

Preacher: Well, I do have evening milking to do, but I suppose we can wait just a few minutes.

(Victoria points insistently at the book and notes the preacher is holding.)

Preacher: I’m sorry. I’m just not understanding what you are saying. Cash, what is she…?

(Cash sneezes. Victoria turns to the congregation and starts waving her arms.)

Doris: What on earth is she doing?

(Bonnie jumps up)

Bonnie: Oh, I know. It’s charades! I love this. Ok, three words. First word, one syllable. Sounds like. . .

(At that moment an elderly figure comes in)

Cash: Momma!

(He rushes over to help her down the isle)

Preacher: All rise for the honorable widow Hastletoff.

(everyone stands)

Cash: I didn’t thing you were going to make it. Did you hear what happened? Gabby was trying to kill me.

(Bonnie thinks she’s figured out what Victoria)

Bonnie: Thank you God! She’s saying Thank you God!

Doris: Bonnie, sit down.

(Cash gets his mother set down and everyone else sits. Cash comes back to the alter.)

Cash: Ok preacher, full steam ahead.

Preacher: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together. .

(Cash sneezes)

Preacher: Bless you.

Cash: Thank you.

Preacher: We are gathered here together. .

(Cash sneezes again)

Cash: I’m sorry. Very sorry. Please, just keep going. . .

Preacher: . . .in the sight of God. . .

(Cash sneezes)

Preacher: And this congregation. . .

(Cash sneezes)

Preacher: (trying to hurry to get it in before Cash’s next sneeze) to join this woman and this man in holy matrimony.

(Cash sneezes again)

Preacher: Are you going to be able to make it, son?

Cash: (stuffy) Yes, yes. Please continue.

Preacher: Now, where was I?

(Victoria finally manages to pull her chops open)

Victoria: Kiss da bwiade. Kissa da bwiade.

Cash: Kiss the Bride? Why yeeees sir!

(The preacher leans in and pushes them apart as they are coming at each other.)

Preacher: Now hold on a second. We haven’t even done the “I Do”s yet.

Cash: Well I do. Do you?

Victoria: Sure, what ebber.

(They start to try to kiss again and the preacher pushes them back again.)

Preacher: Now wait just a minute now. This is gotta be done proper like or it don’t count. Just settle down you two. Ok then. Now, just let me find my place again.

(Gabby comes in around the corner)

Gabby: How about the spot where you ask if there’s anyone here who objects to this union?

Preacher: Oh yes, that’s it.

Bonnie: Gabby!

Lucy: Ms. Gabby, why did you come back? You’re a wanted criminal.

Preacher: Gabby, I’m real sorry about that. If you’ll just set right down right there I’ll get around to arresting you after I’m done marrying these two up.

Gabby: I don’t think either of those things will be necessary after you hear what I’ve got to say.

Preacher: Well, this is highly irregular.

Victoria: Pweeese, continue. I just can’t stand all this. On my special day. I want to me married.

Widow: Let her speak!

(Everyone gasps that the widow has spoken)

Cash: Momma?

Widow: Sheriff, let her speak. I would like to hear what she has to say.

Victoria: This is my day. My day. I should be the one calling the shots around here.

Preacher: Well, I’m sorry Ms. Victoria but she is the most honorable and senior member of our community and the town benefactor. I going to have to grant her wish on this one.

Victoria: This is preposterous.

Preacher: Gabby, go on.

Gabby: This woman is not who she appears to be. She is a conniving, villainous, gold digging black widow of a woman who is only interested in men for their money.

Doris: Well, then, she’s exactly who she appears to be.

Gabby: Maybe so.

Victoria: Sheriff, are you going to let her. . .

Preacher: Please ma’am. Let her have her say.

Victoria: Cash?

Cash: My momma said. . .

Victoria: Oh, never mind.

Gabby: As I was making my way out of town so’n I could figure out a way of clearing my good name from the false accusations made against me, I happened across this Cadillac hidden in the bushes just outside of town. Registered to a MRS. Victoria Terrafodder.

Cash: Who’s that?

Gabby: It’s her!

(Cash looks at her in shock)

Cash: You own a Cadillac? Don’t the Amish have rules against that sort of thing?

Preacher: And it would appear she’s already married?

(Cash looks at her in even more shock)

Cash: You’re married?

Doris: Hey, Cash. Wasn’t that fancy out-of-town specialist you had for your allergy named Dr. Terrafodder?

Gabby: Exactly. It would seem that our honorable benefactor is not the only widow in the room.

Cash: (still to Victoria) You were married to late Dr. Terrafodder?

Gabby: And also in her car was your medical file Cash, detailing the severity of your allergy and your complete medical history.

Victoria: What significance does all this have? I love Cash no matter what you say. And I just wanted to know all about him and how I could better care for him.

Gabby: That might be believable if I hadn’t also found this!

(She holds up a piece of paper.)

Gabby: This is a copy of your father’s will detailing how you would come into your inheritance on your wedding day. Put this together with a trunk full of Planters Peanuts, and you have a recipe for murder.

Victoria: You’re the peanut killer here. You planted those peanuts in my trunk.

Gabby: I though you might say something like that, so I brought this from your car too.

(She holds up a second piece of paper)

Victoria: What’s that?

Gabby: It’s an invoice for a large shipment of peanuts----TO YOU.

(Victoria, in a desperate attempt to not be undone, grabs Cash)

Victoria: I’ll not be undone. Kiss me Cash.

(She flips back her veil and leans into kiss Cash. Upon seeing Victoria’s face clearly for the first time, the Widow Hasteltoff shrieks and feints. Before he can be kissed, Cash turns to she what’s happening to his mother and goes to her)

Cash: Momma!

Widow: It’s her.

Cash: What?

Widow: I recognize her from the pictures.

Cash: What pictures? What are you talking about?

Widow: The pictures in your father’s trunk in the attic. I never told you this before, but I had found out that your father had been leading a double life. He had a second out of town family that he had kept secret from us. I never knew who they were until I was able to break the lock on that old trunk and found it full of family pictures of this other family. And it was her. He had another family with her. Cash, you almost married your step-Mom.

Everyone: Ewwwwwwwww.

Preacher: Well, I guess that wraps things up here. Ceptin’ I’m gonna have to arrest you, ma’am.

Victoria: This is preposterous. You have no right. She could have planted all those things. What proof do you have that she didn’t.

(Madeline comes forward meekly carrying the purse with the peanut butter in it)

Madeline: The have this. Your purse.

Victoria: Maddy?

Madeline: I’m sorry Mom. It’s for your own good.

(The preacher holds up handcuffs)

Preacher: I’m terrible sorry, ma’am. I’m gonna have to put these on.

Victoria: Betrayed, by my own daughter. What is the world coming to.

Preacher: Please ma’am.

(He cuffs her)

Preacher: Now confound it, I got all the wrong papers How’s those rights start again?

(Bonnie pops up enthusiastically)

Bonnie: You have the right to remain silent!

Preacher: That’s right. You know the rest of it.

Bonnie: I sure do. I knew watching all those episodes of Law and Order would come in handy.

Preacher: All right Bonnie. Come with me.

Bonnie: Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to be speak to an attorney. . .

(The three of them exit. Lucy goes to Madeline who looks like she’s not sure about what she’s done.)

Lucy: You gonna be ok.

Madeline: I suppose so.

(Cash comes over.)

Cash: Hey there. You know. You can always stay with your big brother. If you want.

Madeline: Thanks Cash. I’d think that’d be good. I think I’m gonna like having you for a big brother. Better than a dad.

Cash: Me too.

Madeline: What about your inheritance? I’m sorry my mom messed that up for you.

(Gabby comes over and slips her arms around Cash.)

Gabby: Not to worry. We’ll be taking care of that real soon.

Cash: You’d still have me? After all this.

Gabby: Even after all this. Life’s gonna be full of misunderstandings. We’ll work through them. You may be a doofus, but you’re my doofus.

Cash: That’s good enough for me.

(Doris comes up from behind them all with the widow.)

Doris: So, how about a ride in that Caddilac?

(Gabby holds up the keys to show that she’s got them. Every one responds enthusiastically and heads for the exits)

Cash: (as they exit) You mom sure has a nice car for an Amish woman.

Madeline: Cash, she’s not Amish.

Cash: She’s not?

(And they’re gone)



Copywright Will Mitchell 2005